How to cope with a vulnerability hangover
Tiredness, a sense of mild nausea, a banging head, a craving for sandwiches, or crisps, or chocolate buttons. Or a crisp and chocolate button sandwich. A shaky feeling and butterflies in your stomach.
Sounds hideous, doesn’t it.
The signs that you have overdone it on the Appletinis.
Or, the signs that you finally took the big, brave step* you have always wanted to do - resigned your perfectly decent job so you could start your own business, or done your first Facebook Live. To crickets and tumbleweed. Or had the tough conversation with a loved one.
Or found your ‘why’.
You might be familiar with this feeling, it usually follows a making a major life change. It's a confusing mix of fear and exhaustion—and it's officially called a vulnerability hangover.
“But Kate, you said that finding your why is a life-affirming and entirely positive experience - this sounds hideous.”
Yes, true. It doesn’t sound great, but trust me - like a truly hideous hangover is the price you have to pay for that night ‘aht aht’ with the lads/girls/etc, the vulnerability hangover is the same for when you have done that Big Thing.
It is the gut-wrenching, exhausting feeling you get when you decide to get real about who we are, want we really want, and how we express it.
Brene Brown coined the term in her TED talk ‘the Power of Vulnerability’.
It is the lingering fear after you share something or put yourself out there in some way, and you have yet to find out what this means for you, or the realisation of it just plain wipes you out.
But bear with me. Vulnerability is a good thing.
Brene says (so it must be true) that it is only when we expose ourselves that we have experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”
As a creative thinker, I’ve now accepted the fact that vulnerability hangovers will naturally—and continuously—come with the territory of putting your heart and soul our there on display for thousands of eyes to see (Hello, again, my imposter buddy).
I also know that there are a few things to help you cope with that feeling. A mental alka seltzer, if you will.
Tell your imposter where to shove it
Whatever you are planning, or have actually done - bared your soul, realised your life’s purpose, or - more horrendously - declared your feelings to a certain someone, and you haven’t had a response. Zilch. Nada - it will not be as bad as Nigel is telling you.
You’ll crash and burn. Everyone will be laughing at you. You’ll lose clients. You will definitely have lost them as a friend.
We know that your inner imposter will appear every time you step out of your comfort zone, and bring all his mates with him for a proper self-flagellation.
But if we can use a little reframe, and a sense of perspective - all will feel much better.
If you are able to accept that the worst might happen, this, oddly, will reduce the anxiety you may be feeling. Rather than ‘I might make a fool of myself’, accept it as a potential outcome ‘I accept that I could’.
A small shift, but a powerful one. Your Imposter will over-exaggerate, and let your thoughts overpower you, leaving you in analysis paralysis.
If you accept that the worst could happen, and do it anyway, you are effectively neutralising the panic and the anticipation.
Remind yourself of Why
If you can keep a visual reminder of what your Big Why is, or (if you haven’t yet worked it out) why you feel driven to do the Big Scary Thing, this will be a regular reminder of why your actions matter. A vision board, a quote on your phone, sticky notes on your computerscreen - whatever makes your heart pound that little bit more.
I surround myself with quotes from my favourites - Brene, Mel Robbins, Simon Sinek, sometimes a little Gary Vee when I need a kick up the bum. But this one gets me. Every. Single. Time.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”
Those who fear ‘what will people say’ or hold their tongue for fear of reprimand do not change the world, or carve their own path.
Keeping a reminder of why it is important to speak your truth will help to push you further than Nigel would like you to go, and go and find the magic.
3. Learn to love the feeling
In the same way that embracing your imposter when he shows up as a sign you are pushing yourself further, learning to accept and even love the vulnerability hangover will mean you no longer fear the headache and the need for a whole tub of Cookie Dough icecream.
The few hours or even a day hiding in a darkened room just wanting to sleep and binge-watch Modern Family is a very small price to pay for the incredible joy your vulnerability, you showing up, will bring you, and the peace of mind you will bring to others.
So go and get stuck in. Bottoms up. * *Chin-chin. Prost.
*random fact. Brave Step in Russian is смелый шаг. Which, phonetically, is pronounced ‘smelyy shag’. True story.
* *don’t say this one in Japan. ‘Chinchin’ is toddler slang for ‘willy’.
Don’t say I never give you nuffink.