How, and why, to accept a compliment graciously
How comfortable are you accepting a compliment?
Do you brush them off as quickly as they've arrived, dismissing the comment with a wave of the hand?
“Oh, no, it wasn’t me. The credit goes to the team”
“Really? I didn’t think the presentation went well, I thought they all looked bored”
“What, this old thing?”
If they sound like you, you're not alone.
Certain cultures are not good at accepting a compliments. As a Brit, I can definitely see this here. And some people are worse than others.
This is partly social custom; how prepared and ready you are to accept a compliment, whether it seemed socially acceptable to do it or whether it actually has a more underlying route in lack of self esteem.
Women tend to struggle most, and especially when the compliment is paid by a woman. And given that women like to pay compliments more than men (on average), we’re in ever decreasing circles.
I’m guessing, if you are reading this article, you don’t manage it as well as you’d like.
Why do I struggle to accept a compliment?
It can be uncomfortable when someone gives a sincere compliment.
Some people shrivel up when they are complimented. They look for a place to hide, feeling ‘icky’ and wanting to hide. Others minimise or ignore the compliment, wishing to move on as fast as possible.
Here are some of the reasons why:
#1 Social Norms
Cuturally, it might not seem appropriate to accept a compliment. Does it sound big-headed to accept a compliment, because if you do, you agree with the giver that you might actually be competent, credible, hard-working, actually look good in that outfit?
#2 Social Anxiety
It can feel intimidating to stand out, even if its for a good reason. Because of this, people will often want to escape the feelings of anxiety by quickly wanting to move on from receiving credit in public.
Accepting a compliment can mean allowing another person’s words or thoughts to impact you, which can make you feel vulnerable, and we’ve been taught that vulnerability is weakness, and uncomfortable.
#3 Low Self Esteem
When someone says something nice about you, this can throw up thoughts of 'not being good enough’, or not feeling worthy of their kindness.
These mind monkeys can lead to a lot of comparison. If someone feels unworthy or that they don’t measure up to others, it can sometimes be easier to deflect compliments by making statements such as, “It isn’t as nice or as good as you would do.”
It can feel very icky when somebody disputes our internal view of ourself, even if its good.
But for all of these reasons, there are lots of very good reasons why accepting a compliment is good news for us, and for the person giving it
why you should accept a compliment
The counter-arguments are quite compelling:
It's actually impolite to brush off a compliment. (does that idea make you squirm too?)
It doesn't make you big headed. No one's going to think that you are full of yourself for being gracious. My grandmother always said that you could ‘always tell a lady by how well she accepts a compliment’. My grandmother was definitely a product of her generation, born in 1911, so the language may seem archaic, but the sentiment is still there.
Grace and ease will always be easier for others than awkward shuffling and mumbling.
Accepting compliments can help to improve your sense of self worth.
If you imagine those mind monkeys sitting on one shoulder, chattering negative thoughts at you, with nothing to counter them, you can hit a downward spiral. Imagine having a bucket on the opposite shoulder of positive comments from others, which can start to fill up when you accept them. The more we accept the positive, the more ammunition we have to silence the negative.
It may damage your reputation and influence if you can’t.
You will have been on the other end of this. When you pay someone a sincere compliment, to have it brushed off.
How did that make you feel about the recipient? How did it make you feel about yourself and how they see you? Awkward for them, or for yourself? That they don’t value your opinion, or that they are doubting you?
The truth here can smart: By trying to spare your own blushes, you can create awkwardness in others.
so how do we fix this?
How to take a compliment
It's remarkably simple. But it just takes a little bit of practice. Coming from a confirmed people pleaser. I'll tell you, it's not easy to start. But when you do it's amazing how quickly it makes you feel better about yourself.
Take a breath - when the compliment comes at you take a breath. This split second pause will stop you from reacting immediately.
Smile - someone has said a good thing. That deserves a smile. This will make the giver smile too, and will release happy hormones in both of you.
Thank them, and tell them how that made you feel. “Thank you, that means a lot, I worked hard on that’
This three-step process will allow you to exhibit good manners, make the complimentor feel better about themselves and incrementally make you feel even better.
It's a win win.
If you'd like some help with your self confidence and self esteem to understand how coaching could help you in your leadership and professional development. Email me and we'll get get a date in the diary for a complementary 30 minute chat.