How to have the difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding

Is there a more chilling line to hear than “We need to talk”?

As the recipient or the messenger, very little can make you squirm in anticipation as much. Whether it’s a conversation with a co-worker, an employee or the new squeeze you’ve been dating for a few months.

Irrespective of who or the situation, we will likely avoid starting that conversation for as long as possible, mulling it over and over in our heads and possibly even feeling resentful for needing to have the conversation in the first place.

A Harvard Business School study   found that 67% of managers are uncomfortable talking to the people they manage. I wonder how many of the employees would agree?

A quick Google search will reveal a million ways to have the conversation, all manner of tools and theories – but the last thing you need to do is overthink it any longer. Believe me – this article has been on my to-do list for about 6 weeks now.

So here’s my quick fire, rip-the-band-aid-off-but-do-it-kindly guide to The Difficult Conversation.

Prepare

1.       What’s the situation?

Bullet point it. What are the facts here – what’s the actual problem? Poor performance? Missed deadlines? Having to tell someone they didn’t get the promotion/their project has been shelved? Do you need to lay someone off?

And what are the emotive factors at play? Are there problems at home that may feed into the cause, or is their behaviour causing additional problems in the workforce.

Be clinical here, and just state the facts, even the squishy ones.

2.       What’s the outcome I want?

Get really clear on what you need to walk away with. Difficult conversations are made worse if you’re not crystal clear and it turns into an awkward negotiation. Begging’s never attractive now, is it?  

3.       What’s the worst that can happen?

This is the crux of it. The bit that stops us taking action.

By understanding the worst-case scenario, you’ll shine light on the bogie monster in the cupboard of your mind. Which is never as big as you think it is. And when you know, you can put in plans to mitigate that risk.

In the moment

How you show up is as important as the message you need to deliver.

1.       How do they need me to show up? Do they need me to challenge them and their thinking? Or be more supportive? And don’t mistake the difference between ‘want’ and ‘need’. We all want an easier time, but where’s the growth in that?

2.       How do I handle my barriers? Do I need to drop some of the walls of self-preservation or admit to some fault of my own here? Or do I need to affix my crown and not let them try to persuade me round (see 4 below)

3.       Listen & Validate –Being clear on the outcome means you have more time to listen, listen, listen. One of the most powerful things you can do in any conversation, whether arguing with a teenager over curfew or another board member about their behaviour is to acknowledge where they are. “Wow, that must be really tough to deal with”, or, “Oh, I totally get why you now were avoiding me. If I felt the way that you felt I'd probably do the same thing.”  

The second you validate somebody they immediately stop defending themselves. And that’s where the conversation can start.

4.       What’s the outcome I need? – having made the decision before you sat down, and removed the barriers to the conversation, now you can get to the actual conversation and get the deed done.

The aftermath

Thank them. For listening, for doing their job, for being a grown up about it.

Leave them on as good terms as possible – so neither of you avoid the conversation again for so long.

Then go and thank yourself. Seriously.

If you’d like to know more about how to handle yourself and your team so you need less difficult conversations in the first place - get in touch. We can help.