How to set boundaries and bin excuses
Are you always going the 'extra mile' for clients to make sure you are doing the best job you can?
Are you always the one organising the drinks meet-up and spending half your day arranging and rearranging to everyone else's whims?
Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to social or networking engagements, and then have to find excuses because you really, really don’t want to go.
Or giving a million reasons why you can’t do something, rather than simply saying ‘no thank you, that’s not my thing’.
We all have that friend you doesn't take nonsense from anyone. They’re not afraid to say no, and they do it with such poise and grace.
Everyone around them shows them respect, and you would love that for yourself.
So why do you feel such resistance when it comes to standing up for yourself?
Often we don’t say no to people because we’re afraid it might offend them or create tension in a relationship. We’re taught to be kind to others, but we ultimately need to find the balance between being kind and being firm.
Otherwise, we give others permission to take advantage of us.
Many of us recognize that we are people-pleasers even though we don’t want to be.
We say yes to parties we don’t really want to go to or that extra workload because we assume that this will guarantee us their referrals. However, if your client is taking advantage, chances are their referrals will too. Just sayin'...!
Essentially, we continue to say yes because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. We don’t want people thinking we're rude or disrespectful.
Sound familiar?
The truth is that you are actually disrespecting yourself if you continue to do things out of fear or a sense of obligation.
There’s no need to deplete your emotional, mential and physical energy on something that doesn’t align with your values, or your own plan for yourself.
Setting boundaries might sound scary, but it gives you the freedom to spend time doing what you love. Boundaries do not make you stuffy or boring. They allow you to create life on your own terms, which is the most liberating and exciting thing you could ever do.
Establishing what your boundaries are and consistency communicating them to others (and yourself!) will change your work, personal life, self confidence, professional and personal reputation.
BOUNDARIES ARE THE SINGLE BIGGEST CHANGE TO YOUR TIME, MONEY, EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING AND HAPPINESS SCORE - AND all it takes is a choice.
By setting boundaries you don’t miss out of life - you actually get to choose. You can decide what you want for your own life, rather than capitulating to other’s wants for you and themselves.
If you set yourself manageable boundaries and stick to them, you get to
shift the guilt,
stop procrastination,
cut short the -ending shame cycle, the motherload,
feel good about your decisions and get on with it.
free yourself up to say ‘yes’ to the things you actually want.
Sounds powerful, no? How do you do it?
What do you really want?
Work out your own priorities. What do you want to achieve?
Get clear on what you actually want to spend your time and energy on and what will serve you. How do these sit with your values? What fills your heart with joy when you think about it
Listen to your gut.
It is usually right. You know the difference between excitement, dread and resentment. If your gut is telling you no, but you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, go with your instincts.
Think about the impact of your actions.
What is the outcome if you say yes? What if you say no? Will it improve your life or is there something that could make a bigger impact? What’s the worst that could happen?
Think about the amount of time something will take compared to the positive impact it will have. If it will take up more time than it is worth, say no.
“Remember that if you don’t prioritise your life, someone else will.”
2. Make these things your
priority.
Do things because they make you happy.
We know that self-care isn't selfish, and you are probably the biggest advocate - for other people. But how do you fit what you want to do into your day? You have so many other things to do, you don't have enough time?
My answer is the one you probably don't want to hear. We will make time.
When you prioritise the things you want to do for you, you can see what time you have left for things others want you to do. I don't just mean going for a run, having massages and meditating. I mean the day to day things that you WANT to do for yourself, for your business and to help both of these grow.
The simplest way to do this.... a diary. Don't groan. Honestly, it is the most powerful tool you have at your disposal and you can make it your own. Hand written in a beautiful leather tome or on your laptop - however it works for you.
Take a week, ideally next week
Take that list of priorities from Step 1, and add time in for all of them. The self care bit, the doing something you want to do with your family bit, the time for growing your business bit, the stuff that makes you happy.
Then, add in the list of things you know you need to do to take your life forward - the social media writing, the invoicing you have been putting off... put all of these in manageable blocks.
THEN you can see what time you have for other people's bidding. Probably not that much.
But LOOK what you can achieve for you, the people you love and your business in a week! Liberating, isn't it!
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”
3. How to say no
Do you really want to do it?
Run the request through your ready made 'Priorities Filter' from Steps 1 & 2.
If it doesn't make the grade, it is a 'no'
Just say no
Like the kids from Grange Hill. Don't delay or offer weak excuses. This will make you feel more anxious, guilty and possibly still on the hook.
Don’t say sorry, say thank you
Replace "Sorry I can't" with "Thank you for the opportunity", or "Sorry I'm late" with "Thank you for waiting for me".
Very polite. No guilt. Easy.
Offer an alternative
You can try ‘I won’t be able to do that this week, but I could do it by the end of the month’ (if is actually something you want to do, but isn’t a priority) or ‘I won’t, but I know someone who might’ (not ‘will’, it isn’t your job to find a solid ‘yes’, you may as well have done it yourself)
Be firm
If you follow the steps above and are firm but courteous, most will accept this and move on. If they don't, they are not showing you any respect. Don't give in just because that person is uncomfortable
The power really is in your hands, to free yourself up, to create more time for yourself and what you want to do, and nurture respect for yourself.
Please pop a comment in below - I would love to know how you get on!
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